28 February 2011

Award Show or Apocolypse; AKA Things That Start With "A"

Ok, so I made a couple of big boasts in my last post. One was how I would be writing shorter posts; another was how I would be posting on the 83rd Academy Award Show all week. But reality set in. In this case, reality came in the form of a super-duper plus sized helping of suck; more commonly known as the 83rd Annual Academy Awards Show. (The "other" reality is that I cannot shut the hell up sometimes...)

Honestly, I have proudly been telling everyone how I am one of about 237 straight guys that deliberately watch the Oscar’s every year and then they go and do this to me. James Franco, dude! I loved you in “Freaks and Geeks,” then again in “Pineapple Express” and other assorted offerings. But after last night, I sort of wish you wouldn’t call for awhile. I think it’s best for both of us to take some time and reevaluate our relationship.

And is it my imagination, or would the entire 3 hr. 45 min. broadcast fit into about 20 minutes if they would just ease up on the ridiculous commercials? Come on, anybody who buys into what a good neighbor J.P. Morgan Chase has been, probably shouldn’t be allowed to make any purchasing decisions anyway. But I digress. Here is what I was picturing in my imagination for about 3 hours and 45 minutes last night.

(Imagine 1930s era reporter’s voice from here on). Dateline Hollywood! In 45 years of traveling the globe for your edification, this reporter has never witnessed the likes of tonight’s events on the streets of this storied tinseltown! As the glitterati of filmdom made their way into this historic event, social gadfly Joan Rivers underwent a transformation that was nothing less than stupefying. In front of millions of horrified viewers, the grand dame of snarky sprouted wings and swelled to a height of 87 feet tall, revealing herself to be none other than the 300 million year old Beelzebub, dreaded prince(ss) of darkness and harbinger of evil. Rallying a legion of minions, she rampaged amongst hysterical attendees.

But, just as all hope seemed lost; as a shadow of evil seemingly descended for all time upon this shining ensemble, hope appeared! Yes, hope appeared ladies and gentlemen! Charging down Hollywood Boulevard on a towering white steed, clad in brightly shimmering armor and wielding a sword of undeniable justice, came none other than that champion of all humanity, Sean Connery! Oh the chaos my friends, chaos to shock even this hardened reporter. Bellowing ancient incantations, Connery awoke the guardians of light, who all this time have been masquerading as those oversized Oscar’s statues outside the theater. With shouts of righteous rage, they flung themselves upon the dark mistress and her hordes. As terrified onlookers scrambled for cover, seemingly provided by the well stocked VIP Tent, the battle raged.

Sizzling sorcery and the clash of steel on claw rang above bellows of challenge and the shrieks of the wounded and dying. Before my very eyes, it was as if the Apocolypse was unleashed! The guardians of light slew many of the evil one’s minions, including Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber and 2/3rds of the Jonas Brothers. Inexplicably, these same guardians milled around, messing with their fingernails and whistling aimlessly, while the dark minions devoured the entire cast and crew for all three “Twilight” movies. I will leave speculation on their motives for doing such a thing to you gentle reader.

As his followers dealt with the minions, the heroic Sean Connery engaged the she-beast in single combat. Fell deeds were done and grievous wounds delivered, till at last with cries of frustration, the beast took flight and vanished. His lightness Sir Connery then waved his hand, returning the golden statutes to their former state and lulled everyone back to a state of calm with witty baritone banter. The show proceeded as scheduled, more is the pity!

This reporter will leave you with the following thoughts. It is not known if Beelzebub will succumb to her wounds, or if this battle merely signaled the opening round in the prophesized, “1000 Year Reign of Darkness.” If the former proves true, than Sean Connery has in fact, saved the world. If the latter is correct, I know a lot of you good people who expected to be raptured by this point, thereby skipping out on all the pestilence, famine, and war. If you find yourself still amongst us, reading this dispatch, let’s just say you have some explaining to do.


  1. Well I couldn't leave half way through, I was enjoying it :D Excellent, has to be my favourite rundown so far especially seeing as the guardians of light slew the minions and ate the entire cast and crew of Twilight (now I've read the books I don't need the films) although I think you should put it into your 'oh so fantasticabulous way and write me about it'.

  2. Hah? Wizardry at the Oscars. All I saw was something akin to watching grass grow.

    Cheers A

  3. I approve, for obvious reasons :D

  4. SJ, sooner or later I will be cornered and forced to gaze upon the horror that is "Twilight." When that day comes, I would be honored to deliver unto you my verdict. Rest assured, it will be without mercy...:)

    AG, I REALLY wish I had chosen to watch grass grow instead. At least that's a miracle of nature.... The show's pathetic attempts at humor were like trying to force a bowling ball through a spaghetti strainer...:)

    Sugary, I suspected you might like my casting choices... Can't really say why, it was just a hunch...:)